Ramblings On Turning 35 and Being Pregnant with Baby #4

[In this pic ~ four months pregnant with fourth baby]

I'm so tired but I can't sleep.  My hips and back ache.  Every time I go to the store I end up really sore, I think it's a combination of all the walking, pushing the cart, lifting Alexa and bags and loading and unloading car that really does my body in.  The past two weeks have been hard because the kids have been sick.  First Yasmin, then Caleb, then Yasmin again and then Alexa.  We've had many sleepless nights and yet I know it's only preparation for the many sleepless nights to come. 

As I lay in my bed tonight I couldn't help but think about me turning 35 today {as you read this now yesterday}.  I don't celebrate birthdays, however this does not mean that I am not grateful to be alive another year and that I do not reflect or ponder on my life so far and what the future may bring.  I was totally okay with turning 30, I thought it was great! I'm also okay with 35 but since I'm pregnant, I have to admit I feel a little old. 

I had my first baby at 25 so I can't believe almost 10 years later {my son is 9} here I am, starting all over again.  I/we never planned on having four children.  I never thought **I** would have four children.  The ironic thing is that both hubby and I come from a family with four kids, so I wonder if subconsciously this may have affected us.  For sure we knew we wanted two and then two seemed like too little and just too perfect, you know with one boy and one girl.  We wanted to shake things up a little and bring an extra little piece of joy and happiness into our life and so we tried for #3.  Even before learning about Lexi's heart troubles I had decided that three was enough for me and especially after learning about Lexi's heart I thought three kids was enough for me.  With my older kids I bought a lot of neutral colored baby items so I could use them with both but with Alexa I bought everything girly because I was going to spoil her as she would be my last baby {or so I thought}. We sold/gave away all of our baby items except the crib {she still uses this sometimes as a toddler bed}.  And I told hubby I was ready to embrace the next phase in our lives, just enjoying being with our kids and watching them grow up.  He agreed although I always felt like he still had a longing for another child. But I was firm and very committed to my decision and my "no, we are done" speech.

Then, for some crazy, strange, I don't understand what happened to me moment in time, **I** started craving another baby, longing to pregnant again, having a newborn again.  It was CRAZY.  I was going CRAZY with all my conflicting emotions.  It seemed like everyone was pregnant all around me and I could think of was that I was going to turn 35 next year and my time was running out.  I did not want to have a baby past 35.  But did I really, really want another baby?  Was it really a good decision for our family?  Could I handle, if my new baby was born with CHD or some other health concern?  I felt fit, strong and pretty again after losing those last ten stubborn pounds. Did I really want to put my body through another pregnancy?  Could I care for all my children's physical, emotional and spiritual needs?  Lot's and lot's of heavy questions.  The truth is I knew things would be easier for me/us if we didn't have another baby but I couldn't shake the feeling.  I tried.  I prayed.  I stayed busy.  But this burning desire inside of me was very strong and urgent.  I felt like my time was quickly running out, like I could see the last few grains of sand from the hourglass of my child bearing years coming to an end and this chapter of my life would soon be closed forever. 

Sometimes I wonder if I felt that way because I missed out on Alexa's newborn phase, with her being in the hospital one whole month and all the busyness and worry that came with caring for her those first few months.  Of course I enjoyed and cherished every single moment I spent with her, maybe even more so because of everything she went through, but I also spent a lot of the time in worry.  Or maybe, my crazy thought had nothing to do with this whatsoever.  Maybe it was just a crazy thought or maybe it was meant to be all along.

Either way and no matter what, it is done.  I am pregnant with our fourth child.  All it took was one time of not 'not trying to get pregnant' and that was it.  There was no turning back the hands of time.  We both waited two agonizing weeks to find it out if our lives would be completely changed or if we could go on as normal.  If it didn't happen, I did not want to 'try' again.  I did not want to be pregnant another Arizona summer or past 35 so that would be it.  No more chances.  Case closed.  And I would be ready to move on. 

A first negative test brought a about a twinge of sadness and grieving over what might have been but at the same time a sigh of relief over my 'what was I thinking ~ possible temporary insanity phase'.  I know my hubby was taken very much by surprise by my sudden change of heart of adding to our family but I felt like he was secretly happy about it.  We both shared the same concerns and knew our family would think we were crazy.  But the truth was a small part of us was not ready to kiss the baby years away.  Our older children had grown up so quickly, so we had a longing to experience all those wonderful baby moments again, one last time.  Plus, we enjoyed watching our two older children grow up together since they were only two years apart and so we wanted a sibling for Alexa to also grow up with. 

A few days after our negative pregnancy results we received a positive pregnancy result and then another positive on top of another positive to be positive.  I couldn't believe it!  We were both in shock but happy.  Shock because we originally thought it hadn't happened and then shocked that it seriously just took one time of 'not ~ not trying' and that was it.  I know biology and how stuff works but it seemed so black and white, no time to second guess ourselves, no second chances.  That was it - we had forever altered our family dynamic.  We were excited of the new adventure that awaited us, yet fully aware of the responsibility that came with caring for another child.  We technically never planned to have another baby but this baby was definitely invited into our family and we are glad he accepted the invitation!

So here we are today, almost seven months into my pregnancy and we joyfully anticipate the arrival of our new baby boy!  I already love him but as I feel him kick and move around in my womb, I can hardly wait to meet him, smell him, hold him and kiss his little cheeks and feet and fall head over heels in love with the baby I never knew I always wanted!

CHD means ...

giving birth to your baby and only getting to hold them for a few seconds.

Watching your heart, pride and joy, get wheeled away to endure a fight for their life.

Being left empty handed, broken hearted and with a world full of unanswered questions, fears and hopes. 

Posted in honor of Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week 2011.

Resurfacing ~ CHD Boston Med

Resurfacing - 1. To rise to the surface again.  2. To emerge after concealment.

This word would describe they way I'm feeling right now.  Many resurfaced emotions.  Deeply hidden emotions in the secluded places of my heart. 

Did any of you watch the Boston Med show tonight?  I had never seen this show until tonight.  I watch very little TV to begin so its's no big surprise I have missed it. I had heard of it before however, but thought it was just another ER show on the block.  Once I learned that this show was a real-life medical drama featuring real stories highlighting the lives of real doctors, nurses and patients then my interest level peaked and to top things off today they were featuring a fellow heart family.  It can't get any more special than that, okay unless they were featuring someone I know or our hospital and/or doctors.  So, it was still pretty special for me, so to the front of the TV I was glued for one hour.  Very rare for me indeed.   

 

A too familiar pain.  Baby Sam and his parents featured on Boston Med. 

No surprise I cried through out the show. Many past emotions both joys and fears resurfaced.  I remembered how I felt when we were first told of Alexa's heart, I remembered how I felt when I gave birth and saw her for the first time, I remember how beautiful and normal she looked and was panicked to have anything happen to her.  I remembered those same polar opposite emotions, Renee, the mom from the show was having.  Both in wanting and needing to be close to and love your baby but at the same time feeling like your placing some undesirable emotional distance between the two of you for fear of losing them. 


I faced it all by my husbands side and it was still a rough road.  She faced many emotions, doctors appointments and diagnosis alone as her husband was away in Iraq while she was pregnant.  Thankfully he was able to make it back for the birth and be there for the sugery and a least a short while after.  I remember how many times I cried on my pillow while I was pregnant.  And sometimes my hubby would wake up and console me.  And other times I would leave the room so I wouldn't wake him.  It was a very emotional time. Pregnancy regardless is an emotional time but facing something like this just rocks your world like it's never been rocked before. 


They showed baby Sam after his surgery being home with an NG tube down his nose for feeding.  I rememered how Alexa needed an NG tube for about a month after coming home.  First because her heart was still tired from surgery and she hadn't yet learned how to handle sucking and swallowing and breathing all at the same time plus she was silently aspirating probably from being intubated.  Those first few days and weeks at home were crazy busy times, and I wondered how we would get through them but we did.   


As I watched the show I heard them before a commercial break announce a website to learn more about mesothelioma as one older man on the show was having surgery for this.  I thought to myself for sure they will share a site before the next commercial to obtain more info about CHD  ...  but sadly none was shared.  A great opportunity was missed.  And I wondered, why?  Is it because they just didn't think of it?  Is it because they couldn't decide which of the CHD organizations to feature?  Is it because there isn't ONE set UNITED group leading the way for the CHD cause?  I wish I could rememeber what the mosothelioma website they featured was so I could analyze it.  I then proceeded to look up CHD.com and congenitalheartdisease.com and .org and nothing came up.  Then I was reading a little bit through the most recent posts in Blog4CHD and came to a post by Nichole, Abby's mom, entitled Ten Wishes, that in part read:

"I wish the CHD community could come together and rally for this cause. I dabble here and there in CHD awareness. I would love to do more; however, I wish that pride and anger or self-serving indulgence did not corrupt our efforts. The squabbles and bickering scare me away enough that I am not as involved as I would like…I want to be involved enough to help change the world, not fight over board policies, presidents of organizations, and which organization has the “rights” to do what they are doing. I wish it was easier to be involved."

I have to say that, thankfully, I have not experienced these sort of the issues with the local group of people I have come across involved in CHD support and awarness.  But I have heard other similar complaints, mostly on-line, about these types of issues occuring.  I know progress is being made.  But I'm pretty sure we (all heart parents) really wish there was at least ONE BIG LIGHTHOUSE lighting the way. 

As the surgeons in the show kept pointing out, this is a journey.  A long journey with a series of steps.  We are on this journey together.  A journey for life in all sense of the word.  I wish and try to offer my own little bit of support and awareness through this blog and will also be donating a proceed of my photography sales to a couple of the CHD organizations like Mended Litte Hearts and/or Children's Heart Foundation or maybe another.  Have not ironed out the details yet but am working on it.  I just know that like my cousin Al ( Hi Al!) recently posted on his fb profile:

"One person can do great things. But people together can do even better."

I know and have faith that the true releif will come at the hand's of God mesianic kingdom. But meanwhile, we have met many wonderful people on this journey, many who are striving to make a difference.  Thank you.   

Meeting with Surgeon & Surgery Date

On Friday, {Jan. 22nd} we met with Alexa's surgeon. He is truly a wonderful man, full of smiles and compassion. Truly just seeing his friendly expression soothes some of my fears away. I was nervous the whole time waiting for him to call us back and kept feeling like I had to go pee. 

I hugged him a lot, maybe too many times, but I couldn't help it.  Feelings of love and appreciation just emanate from my heart for him and it's hard to control myself.  I am endebted to him for the great job he did with Alexa's first surgery and allowing us to get to know our sweet baby and allowing her to form a part of our family and now again he will hold her life in his hands even though it just feels unreal at times. I feel like I can and should just hug him forever.  But of course there was lots of to discuss so I had to let him go.

We talked about how well Alexa had been doing and about the cath findings. He explained that the extra muscular VSD's found present a little more of a problem but that he has a few ways he can go about finding and fixing them. For that he needs the cath doc to be in surgery with him though to help him with fluoroscopy if he cannot do the fix on his own the way he hopes. He also mentioned the importance of patching the main VSD in the left ventricle to the Aorta very carefully and with lots of smooth room so as to have no obstruction. I have read about LVOTO (left ventricular outflow track obstruction) and have read it is not good. The left ventricle is a very strong pump as it pumps blood out to the body, the way they patch the VSD almost creates something like a hallway before it gets to the door meaning the Aorta out to the body. This hallway if to narrow can create some obstruction to the blood flow which can lead to problems with the left ventricle, which equals bad news. I am very happy that he is aware of the importance of getting a big enough space there. He also talked about the conduit and what he might use, meaning a cadaver artery/vein with a valve or a contegra conduit, it all depends on what is available that day. He mentioned he would like to get in a 16-17 mm size conduit that he would hope it would last 5-10 years. I hope 10+. We talked about bypass, about hours in surgery mentioned hopefully getting in to the OR by 7 a.m. and being done close to 2:30 p.m. He said the risk of surgery has gone down slightly since she is older and stronger. Mentioned now a 95% success rate. But let me tell you that that 5% is enough to make your blood turn cold. I can honestly say though that we love him and that we trust him. We trust he will do his complete best and he knows what he needs to be aware of and take care of, which is everything. He mentioned Alexa also has one tiny collateral vein that he wants to clamp down and get rid of, and of course he will have to close off her BT Shunt. He said recovery time is about 7-10 days about. It is a big operation and completely rearranging the way her heart works and pumps blood, it will take some time for her heart to get use to the new flow.

As far as dates he mentioned Thursday Feb. 18th or more possibly Tuesday, February 23rd. He said he just needs to make sure about the anesthesiologist and that the cath doc agrees to travel down for the surgery. He mentioned he is going to be in and out of town for the next couple of weeks and doesn't want to do her surgery in between. He wants to do her surgery and be able to focus completely on her after care. Which is also what we want and another big reason why we like him. He likes to be very involved in follow-up care and we know he has a great intuition for things. So it reassures us knowing he will be there every step of the way. We also found out the hospital is a Magnet Status hospital and received an award as one the top ten hospitals in the nation, so this along with positive feedback from other parents make us more comfortable about the hospital in general. We are going to wait to hear back from him with a definite date but he pretty much told us to plan for Tuesday, February 23, which is as of right now is officially less than a month away.

My feelings are all wacked right now. Before starting this post, I had just finished myself a good cry and I even made my hubby cry with me.

We

love

Alexa

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

much

that

any

possibility

of

losing

her

is

very

devastating!

Of course we try to focus on the positive but honestly it feels like I must face death in the face and go past it and hand my baby over to a doctor that will cut her open and try to make things better for sometime, hopefully for a long time.

But really I want God to make her better for good and forever.

But for now, this must do, and I hope and pray, and I cry and I wish, and pout, and I scream, and a sigh, and I hurt, and supplicate, and implore, and drop to my knees, and I bring my hands together, and bow my head, and bury it into my pillow, and sob, and I lose my breath, and stay quiet, and stay still ...

and then I feel God's hand and comfort and peace. He will lead us through.

"When my disquieting thoughts became many inside of me, Your own consolations began to fondle my soul." ~ Psalm 94:19

Good night.  Going with my baby.

Getting Ready

Getting ready. Those two words sum it up for me today. Tomorrow is the cath, we must check in at 7 a.m., the procedure should take about 3 hours. Alexa will then be taken to the PICU to recover and remain under observation. They told us to plan to spend the night. I'm hoping it's not needed but preparing anyway. This will be the first time we're back 'in' the hospital since her discharge at one month old. I am dreading not being able to giver her anything solid to eat or drink after 2 a.m. not water or juice after 4 a.m. The first thing she asks for when awakes is food. Wondering if I should wake her up to give her something to eat or drink before the magic hour? If other heart mommas are reading this, how did you handle it? She has a bit of a lingering cough that comes and goes and some congestion I notice mostly at night but otherwise seems happy and normal. They are aware of this. I'm taking this as a mental preparation for the surgery to come. She hates being connected to machines and proded and poked, I am not ready to see her suffer but I know she needs this done. Just some things heart mommas and heart babies must endure. My older kiddos are nervous for their little sister and knowing we will be at the hospital, left a note for their teachers to let them call us during the day if they would like. So off to continue getting ready ... and thanks to everyone including my friends and family for your support and prayers.

Hope in the Midst of Tears

I am terribly sad right now, crying after learning about another terrible loss of a baby with Congenital Heart Disease. As a heart mom, I am emotionally vested in the journey of these heart families and I partake, like it or not, in both their joys and sorrows. Today this family has experienced the greatest loss, that of their beautiful son Aiden and maybe in this moment of darkness, temporarily their faith in God. "Faith does a whole lot doesn't it?" they wrote disheartened as they shared their devastating news.

Have you at times felt betrayed by God? Abandoned? Maybe even wondered why he was punishing you? Wondered why he permits suffering? If he will ever intervene? If he cares? If there is hope for dead loved ones? Will we ever see them, feel them, hug them again?

Some biblical servants of God in ancient times, felt abandoned by God. Even Jesus for a moment felt forsaken as he clung to life on the torture stake. It is most definitely an impotent and destitute feeling, like walking in the 'valley of deep shadow'.

After Alexa's diagnosis, I too felt betrayed by God. I could not pray to Him for days, maybe even weeks. Well, I did pray but they were superficial prayers just giving thanks with my children, for our food, life, etc. But I could not pour out my heart to God like I was accustomed to. I was ashamed to feel this way. I was embarrassed to tell God how I felt. Yet, I knew he already knew. I knew he was waiting for me to reach out to him, because I know he cares. Also, many times in the NICU I felt desperate and hopeless, reduced to basic survival, hanging by a thread, sometimes feeling like I was spiraling away, losing my hope, my faith my grip on life and out of God's hand. And really nobody that has not experienced this level of stress and sadness can even begin to understand. You are reduced to almost nothing, nothing but dust within a raging storm.

Although my heart was broken by the news and or my times in the NICU/PICU, I knew that God was not the cause of my problems.
James 1:13 - "When under trial, let no one say: 'I am being tried by God.' For with evil things God cannot be tried nor does he himself try anyone".

And this comforted me. God was not to blame. After the diagnosis I was not able pray until I was one day made to read and meditate on the story of the Widow of Zarephath (1 Kings 17:8-24) only then was I able to break my silence with God. She was a very poor widow living with one young son during a time a famine. Yet the prophet of God, Elijah was sent out of his way to seek refuge and food in this poor woman's home. I wondered why her? Why not send him to a more stable home? Why was she being asked to do more, to give away the only food she had left, when maybe another family could have better hosted and cared for the prophet. Yet she was blessed for her courage and faith and God was glorified through this process. She was blessed because God promised that her food would not finish and it didn't.




While the prophet was there her son suddenly got ill and died. This seems to be more than she can bear and she reaches her breaking point. She exclaims to Elijah " What do I have to do with you, O man of the true God? You have come to me to bring my error to mind and to put my son to death." Even though she had witnessed a miracle, and had been fed by the hand God, she still had her moment of weakness and doubt. Despite her faith, she feels like God as forsaken her and was punishing her. Even Elijah asks God "O Jehovah my God, it is also upon the widow whom I am residing as an alien that you must bring injury by putting her son to death?" After much pleading Elijah is able to bring her son back to life!!! As he hands the living child back over to his mother she remembers her faith and the mercy of the Lord and cries " Now by this I know that you are a man of God, and that the word of the Lord in your mouth is truth." God does not leave her alone, once again he hears her prayers and provides deliverance. Even when she thinks he has forsaken her and there is no hope. So although, I felt weak and like I could take no more, God permitted not caused me to experience this situation. And through this, with God's help, I have gained greater strength and faith knowing I can overcome anything that comes my way.

Although God, may not intervene miraculously today in most instances as we would like, it is comforting to know that God does not "take" children from their parents as some have been told. It is not his will to make people die and take children or family from their loved ones. The Bible says:

“Far be it from the true God to act wickedly, and the Almighty to act unjustly!”- Job 34:10

For example, although the earth produces ample food, some children die from malnutrition from selfish political leaders and commercial elements, others die in accidents just like adults as

Ecclesiastes 9:11 says: "Time and unforeseen occurrence befalls them all."

meaning we can all become victims of unfortunate circumstances like being at the wrong place at the wrong time. Other children are born with physical or mental defects, sometimes these are induced by parents bad prenatal choices but in many cases it just by chance as is the case with many babies born with CHD or other defects, or for those who become ill sometime after birth. God does not cause birth defects or illnesses. He created a perfect human pair, with the ability to bring forth perfect children in their own likeness. The sin we inherited from Adam carries with the potential for physical and mental defects and sickness and eventually death.

But thankfully, God lovingly extends to children the benefits of Christ's ransom sacrifice and he promises and provides this hope regarding death:

Isaiah 25:8,9 " He will actually swallow up death forever and the Sovereign Lord Jehovah will certainly wipe the tears from all the faces ... And in that day one will certainly say Look! This is our God. We have hoped in him, and will save us. This is Jehovah. We have hoped in him. Let us be joyful and rejoice in the salvation by him."

John 5:28,29 " Do not marvel at this, because, the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out, those who did good things to a resurrection of life, those who practiced vile things to a resurrection of judgement."

John 11:25,26 "Jesus said to her, 'I am the resurrection and the life. He that exercises faith in me, even though he dies, will come to life; and everyone that is living and exercises faith in me, will never die at all. Do you believe this?'"

God has such loving concern for bereaved ones as he says:

Psalms 146:5,6 "Happy is the one ... whose hope is in Jehovah his God ... The fatherless boy and the widow he relieves."

This applies to of course anyone who has lost also child or anybody else to death.

And let us remember that he himself lost his child Jesus in death for 3 days. For the first time ever, Jesus did not exist not in spiritual form nor in human form. It must have been very painful for God to see his son unjustly suffer and die. And we can have this comfort that God knows how we feel as we watch our children suffer and sometimes maybe even die. We however, if we had the power, would instantly change our situation if we could, God however, had the power to stop the suffering and death of his Son, but he, actually the both including Jesus, chose to endure this painful death for the LOVE of humanity. To give us another chance at life. To give us hope of a better future.

"For God loved the world so much that he gave his only-begotten Son, in order that everyone exercising faith in him might not be destroyed but have everlasting life."- John 3:16

Let us remember that God is the giver of all things good not bad.

"Every good gift and every perfect present is from above ...." - James1:17
People who suffer should not assume they are being punished by God. Of course however, those that violate godly standards of livings do experience bad effects. Like you reap what you sow. But in other instances, bad people may seem to prosper for a long time. In contrast, Jesus Christ, who never did wrong, was cruelly mistreated and put to death. So in this system of things prosperity should not be viewed as proof of Gods blessing nor should adversity be considered proof of his disapproval. The day of accounting with God will come, and at that time he will punish the wicked, destroying them forever but the upright ones, many of whom have suffered adversity will enjoy perfect health and a generous share of earth abundant produce.

Proverbs 2:21,22 The upright are the ones that will reside in the earth, and the blameless are the ones that will be left over in it. As regards the wicked, they will be cut off from the very earth, and as for the treacherous they will be torn away from it."

Revelation 21:4 "And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away."



Psalms 37:10,11,29 - "And just a little while longer, and the wicked one will be no more; and you will certainly give attention to his place, and he will not be. But the meek ones themselves will posses the earth, and they will find their exquisite delight in the abundance of peace. The righteous themselves will possess the earth, and will reside forever upon it."




It is a wonderful promise of God, a world without death, suffering mourning nor pain!!! And like we read the hope above about the resurrection of those dead loved ones where will be able to be with them again.

I never intended to use my blog as a pulpit to share my faith. But at least this once, I felt the need to share these beautiful truths with those that are suffering and yearning for a better life.
Know that you are loved by God and he is not the cause of your pain. Instead we have an enemy the devil who does inflict much suffering on humankind.

If you would like to learn more about why how permitted suffering and if it will ever end go here. If you would like to more about things discussed in this post please go here.

I also would like to conclude, what I'm sure will appear to be a very long post, with a short motivational illustration for those of those of us who are going through some type of trial (which is many of us):

The only survivor of a shipwreck was
washed up on a small, uninhabited island.
He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and
everyday he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed
forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build
a little hut out of driftwood to protect himself from the
elements and to store his few possessions.

One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived
home to find his little hut in flames with smoke rolling up
to the sky. The worst had happened! Everything was lost! He
was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. 'God, how
could you let this happen to me?' he cried.

Early the next day he was awakened by the sound of a ship
that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue
him. 'How did you know I was here?' asked the weary man
of his rescuers. 'We saw your smoke signal,' they replied.

Moral of the story: It's easy to get
discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't
lose heart, because Jehovah God is at work in our lives, even
in the midst of pain, and suffering. Remember that, the next
time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground.
It just may be a smoke signal that summons the grace of God.



May we all find comfort and hope in the midst of tears
knowing that God is faithful and will not let us endure more than we can handle,
he will provide escape.


Most pictures used in this blog post taken from the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society.