February 10, 2011

Ramblings On Turning 35 and Being Pregnant with Baby #4

[In this pic ~ four months pregnant with fourth baby]

I'm so tired but I can't sleep.  My hips and back ache.  Every time I go to the store I end up really sore, I think it's a combination of all the walking, pushing the cart, lifting Alexa and bags and loading and unloading car that really does my body in.  The past two weeks have been hard because the kids have been sick.  First Yasmin, then Caleb, then Yasmin again and then Alexa.  We've had many sleepless nights and yet I know it's only preparation for the many sleepless nights to come. 

As I lay in my bed tonight I couldn't help but think about me turning 35 today {as you read this now yesterday}.  I don't celebrate birthdays, however this does not mean that I am not grateful to be alive another year and that I do not reflect or ponder on my life so far and what the future may bring.  I was totally okay with turning 30, I thought it was great! I'm also okay with 35 but since I'm pregnant, I have to admit I feel a little old. 

I had my first baby at 25 so I can't believe almost 10 years later {my son is 9} here I am, starting all over again.  I/we never planned on having four children.  I never thought **I** would have four children.  The ironic thing is that both hubby and I come from a family with four kids, so I wonder if subconsciously this may have affected us.  For sure we knew we wanted two and then two seemed like too little and just too perfect, you know with one boy and one girl.  We wanted to shake things up a little and bring an extra little piece of joy and happiness into our life and so we tried for #3.  Even before learning about Lexi's heart troubles I had decided that three was enough for me and especially after learning about Lexi's heart I thought three kids was enough for me.  With my older kids I bought a lot of neutral colored baby items so I could use them with both but with Alexa I bought everything girly because I was going to spoil her as she would be my last baby {or so I thought}. We sold/gave away all of our baby items except the crib {she still uses this sometimes as a toddler bed}.  And I told hubby I was ready to embrace the next phase in our lives, just enjoying being with our kids and watching them grow up.  He agreed although I always felt like he still had a longing for another child. But I was firm and very committed to my decision and my "no, we are done" speech.

Then, for some crazy, strange, I don't understand what happened to me moment in time, **I** started craving another baby, longing to pregnant again, having a newborn again.  It was CRAZY.  I was going CRAZY with all my conflicting emotions.  It seemed like everyone was pregnant all around me and I could think of was that I was going to turn 35 next year and my time was running out.  I did not want to have a baby past 35.  But did I really, really want another baby?  Was it really a good decision for our family?  Could I handle, if my new baby was born with CHD or some other health concern?  I felt fit, strong and pretty again after losing those last ten stubborn pounds. Did I really want to put my body through another pregnancy?  Could I care for all my children's physical, emotional and spiritual needs?  Lot's and lot's of heavy questions.  The truth is I knew things would be easier for me/us if we didn't have another baby but I couldn't shake the feeling.  I tried.  I prayed.  I stayed busy.  But this burning desire inside of me was very strong and urgent.  I felt like my time was quickly running out, like I could see the last few grains of sand from the hourglass of my child bearing years coming to an end and this chapter of my life would soon be closed forever. 

Sometimes I wonder if I felt that way because I missed out on Alexa's newborn phase, with her being in the hospital one whole month and all the busyness and worry that came with caring for her those first few months.  Of course I enjoyed and cherished every single moment I spent with her, maybe even more so because of everything she went through, but I also spent a lot of the time in worry.  Or maybe, my crazy thought had nothing to do with this whatsoever.  Maybe it was just a crazy thought or maybe it was meant to be all along.

Either way and no matter what, it is done.  I am pregnant with our fourth child.  All it took was one time of not 'not trying to get pregnant' and that was it.  There was no turning back the hands of time.  We both waited two agonizing weeks to find it out if our lives would be completely changed or if we could go on as normal.  If it didn't happen, I did not want to 'try' again.  I did not want to be pregnant another Arizona summer or past 35 so that would be it.  No more chances.  Case closed.  And I would be ready to move on. 

A first negative test brought a about a twinge of sadness and grieving over what might have been but at the same time a sigh of relief over my 'what was I thinking ~ possible temporary insanity phase'.  I know my hubby was taken very much by surprise by my sudden change of heart of adding to our family but I felt like he was secretly happy about it.  We both shared the same concerns and knew our family would think we were crazy.  But the truth was a small part of us was not ready to kiss the baby years away.  Our older children had grown up so quickly, so we had a longing to experience all those wonderful baby moments again, one last time.  Plus, we enjoyed watching our two older children grow up together since they were only two years apart and so we wanted a sibling for Alexa to also grow up with. 

A few days after our negative pregnancy results we received a positive pregnancy result and then another positive on top of another positive to be positive.  I couldn't believe it!  We were both in shock but happy.  Shock because we originally thought it hadn't happened and then shocked that it seriously just took one time of 'not ~ not trying' and that was it.  I know biology and how stuff works but it seemed so black and white, no time to second guess ourselves, no second chances.  That was it - we had forever altered our family dynamic.  We were excited of the new adventure that awaited us, yet fully aware of the responsibility that came with caring for another child.  We technically never planned to have another baby but this baby was definitely invited into our family and we are glad he accepted the invitation!

So here we are today, almost seven months into my pregnancy and we joyfully anticipate the arrival of our new baby boy!  I already love him but as I feel him kick and move around in my womb, I can hardly wait to meet him, smell him, hold him and kiss his little cheeks and feet and fall head over heels in love with the baby I never knew I always wanted!

1 comment:

  1. I am expecting my 4th as well. I am doing really well, however, but my youngest is 5. It sounds like you have a lot more daily stuff with a 2 year old and health issues that keep you on your toes! I am like you that I could not get the 4th out of my head and here we are! I actually turned 36 in December and am confident this will be my last.
    Susan (ginny2mom/babycenter)


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