So last night it hit me. As I watched Alexa play and walk around the house with a huge smile on her face. And my home was filled with the playful banter of children and giggles. My heart was just so happy and content for our seemingly happy little ordinary life. But as soon as I felt that joy begin to swell my heart, I was stabbed with the realization of what the near future holds for my precious little daughter, open heart surgery. This surgery looms in our horizon like an ugly dreaded storm. She holds no fault in needing to face such a grave surgery. She did not choose this disease. Unfortunately this disease chose her, my innocent, playful, jovial, always smiling, easy going Alexa. I was happily sitting on the floor playing with her, when I suddenly collapsed to the floor in tears. My sweet doll, how I wish to take this from you. How I wish to be powerful enough to change your fate. Alexa reached for me as I lay on the ground and so I lifted my face and she saw me in tears, she looked intently into my eyes, as I see it is the first time she notices me crying. She tracked my tears with her finger down my cheek. Then she leaned into me and gave me a sloppy kiss and then hug. She knew I was hurt. And as much as I don't like her to see me that way, it felt good knowing that she cared and tried to make me better. I only hope I can do the same for her when the time comes.
I have been there many times where the joy of having them fills your heart and then that fear creeps in reminding you of what can be taken away.
ReplyDeleteLogan too has comforted me in my times of sadness. They know when we need them just as much as they need us.
{{{HUG}}}
Stef, Ryan, Wyatt and Logan
http://www.whenlifehandsyouabrokenheart.blogspot.com
This is going to be a long comment, I'm warning you....when our daughter was first diagnosed, I tried to explain things to her then 5 year old sister and 4 year old brother. I was being very positive, saying things like, "But everything will be okay because Jesus is going to help make her better," My little boy listened, and then asked me, "Mom, when the bad mens took Jesus and hurt him and put him up on the rectangle--" (he meant cross ;) "--then howcome Jesus didn't stop them, if Jesus can do anything?"
ReplyDeleteThat question startled me. I really had to think to formulate an answer he could understand. The reality is, God and his Son are all powerful. They have the power to perform any miracle. But sometimes we have to live through the worst for the best outcome to happen. For instance, if Jesus hadn't died on the cross, we wouldn't have the promise of a resurrection and the hope of eternal life.
We've had some crazy things happen over the past few years. But I've remained grateful for the understanding that came to me through my son's curiosity. It is so, so, so difficult to watch your sweet, innocent baby have to experience pain and suffering that they don't deserve. It has helped me to recognize that as horrible as it is, watching my children go through things has given me a better understanding of the way God feels about us, His children. I feel so, so blessed to have been given that perspective. You are going to be given the strength to get through this.
Sorry about the long comment. You can do this!
Reading your blog makes me cry everytime, it just makes you feel part of her journey and part of her life. This made me cry even more "she looked intently into my eyes"....... I felt like Lexi was trying to tell you "Mommie, I'm going to be OK because I have YOU" and this is true she has all of you. A great mom who loves and cares so much for her children. Always making sure and doing her research before jumping in to anything. Always loving and protecting them from danger or harm. Always making sure they are filled with love and happyness. You are doing a great awesome job you will get through this one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteMy heart hearts for you because I can so relate to how you are feeling. It's tough to be strong all the time. Continuing to keep you and your sweet baby girl in my prayers. ~Angie Montgomery
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