October 1, 2009
Work of Heart
I've been uninspired to write lately. I've thought about many things I want to say but they are all random and not legitimate enough to begin and fill a "new post". But since it is a goal of mine to track Alexa's growth via this blog, I can start with that - Alexa had her one year well check today (about a month late). She weighs 20 pounds and 15.5 ounces - so pretty much 21 pounds had she finished her morning bottle =). She is 29.75 inches. Doc said she is right on track about 50% percentile, not bad for any baby and great for a heart baby! I don't very much believe in taking my kids to "well visits" but I went mostly because she needed her flu shot. She is such a little trooper, she didn't even cry one bit. I was impressed and so was doc. On Monday, she has her cardiology check up. Really looking forward to talking to her doc about a few of my concerns and getting more info about her echo and of course seeing what her o2 sats are doing. So overall, just very happy she is growing well and no major health issues to report. She is getting two new molars already! Oh and how can I forget, she took her first steps yesterday!!!!! I am so proud of her!!! Way to go little one! I'm sure she will be walking very soon. Time to buy some cute shoes.
Now other random thoughts, not sure if you know but I use to be a very active photographer, with my own thriving business I loved. Since becoming a heart momma, I've kind of neglected my business. I just threw my new passion into learning all about CHD but guess what? I miss it. I'm still out there but have chosen not to do much work right now, for one because I thought Alexa was having surgery this fall and for two because my other babies, my cameras, are need of repair. But I also miss the extra money as it was our spending money which we've had not too much of lately. So it is my mission to fix my babies so I can return to my not forgotten but abandoned passion, my work of heART.
... And actually, if I am being really honest with myself, I'm not sure I would of been able to handle being around babies had something happened to my baby Alexa. I needed an emotional break. So I kind of quietly retreated from my work of heart until I could again put my heart into it. Wow! I just had an "aha moment". I was incapable of photographing the way I do without my heart. I could take pictures had I wanted but not create art, capture moments and memories that people fall in love with. I'm going to get ready to this again, like I said earlier, I miss it, I yearn for it, I need it. When I am "at work" I am at home. I have fun. I enjoy it! I love it! I love meeting the families. I love capturing their love and their story.
Not sure how things will go logistically though. I remember thinking Alexa would need ONE surgery then we could get on with the rest of our lives. But it is not so. CHD, a broken heart, is our lives for the rest of our lives. A surgery looms in the horizon. I can feel it, it makes my heart beat faster, I hold my breath, I space out some times as I zoom into the future and think about our past. I remember thinking I could work my schedule around ONE surgery. But it is not so anymore ... I just have to learn to deal. I have to accept this new normal. I'm going to share one of my favorite quotes before I was ever thrown into this unknown world of CHD. I even have/had it on my website for all time because it defines my photography and I why I feel it is so important.
"Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return." ~Mary Jean Iron
As a photographer, you meet a lot of people who confess, they are waiting to take their professional family or children portraits "UNTIL" this or that, including mom loses weight etc. etc. etc. And truly as us heart momma's know all too well, our life is not guaranteed. We must record today, not wait until a perfect tomorrow but instead treasure today, this beautiful "normal" day before it's gone.
And talking about normal, yes, the old normal went out the window. But now we have a new normal, and it is equally if not infinitely more beautiful ........ and not because of our hardships, we would wish those away in a second, but because we could see clearly now, the good is soooo good and a normal day, perfect.
p.s. And at the top, a pic of my two older kiddos that I heart.